


Leave Me Breathless

by notionally



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Canon Compliant, M/M, Post-Break Up, idolverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 08:10:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16594133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notionally/pseuds/notionally
Summary: "The day Jaebum leaves, Jinyoung stands in front of their shared bookcase. It feels like he’s been emptied out along with the shelves."Jaebum moves out of the dorms when he and Jinyoung break-up.





	Leave Me Breathless

 

The day Jaebum leaves, Jinyoung stands in front of their shared bookcase. It feels like he’s been emptied out along with the shelves.

After everything they’ve been through, it turns out that this is it. Hastily packed up boxes, uncomfortable goodbyes, then just – silence.

Jinyoung wants to cry, thinks that maybe that will help release the compressed feeling in his chest. But all he can do is stare blankly at those newly-emptied shelves. It’s torture, but he can’t make himself stop. The ache in his chest is all that he has left of Jaebum.

“You okay?” Mark’s voice creeps into the room. It feels like it echoes in the emptiness. Jinyoung doesn’t turn to look at him, but can see him and Yugyeom coming up behind him.

“No,” Jinyoung replies. His voice is steady enough, but it sounds strangled. Like there isn’t enough air in his lungs – and maybe there isn’t. “No, not really.”

Yugyeom’s arms wind round his waist, his chin coming to rest on his shoulder. Jinyoung can feel a shadow of Yugyeom’s heartbeat against his back, and it feels – anchoring. “I’m sorry, hyung,” Yugyeom mumbles, and he sounds so small, so sad. It makes Jinyoung feel almost guilty.

“It’s okay, Gyeom-ah,” Jinyoung says, placing his hands over Yugyeom’s where they rest on his stomach. “It’s okay.”

Next to him, Mark places on hand on the back of Jinyoung’s neck. His thumb rubs slow circles into Jinyoung’s nape. “It will be,” he says quietly. “It will be.”

Jinyoung’s not so sure.

 

-

 

Things had been so good, at the start. Barely six months ago but already it feels like a lifetime. Like it was a different Jinyoung, a different Jaebum.

What he does remember is this – them having a celebratory dinner at the end of promotions for _Look,_ him sitting next to Jaebum at the restaurant, and there being a lot of soju. He remembers feeling like he was on fire. Remembers doing what he’d been wanting to do ever since the stylists gave Jaebum that stupid, frustrating, insufferable mullet. And probably before that as well, he had just never admitted it to himself.

Jaebum knew he loved the mullet. He wouldn’t shut up about it, wouldn’t stop idly tangling his fingers in the long hair at the back of Jaebum’s neck. But what he really wanted to do, what he had been desperate to do even before Jaebum had stepped through the front door of the dorm with his new haircut, that had now turned into a desire that blazed almost constantly inside of him, was this.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung whined. He had never been good with alcohol. Maybe he was drinking to build up his courage. Who knew. In any case, Jinyoung was clingier and needier than he usually let himself be. “Hyung,” he repeated, sliding a hand round the back of Jaebum’s neck and using it to drag himself closer on the bench.

Jaebum laughed, wound his arm around Jinyoung’s waist. “Nyoung-ah,” he replied, “what do you want?”

Sober Jinyoung, or even not-intoxicated-by-how-good-Jaebum-looked Jinyoung, would not have done this. But Jinyoung was both drunk and desperately, painfully attracted to Jaebum.

“Want you,” Jinyoung said, his voice pitched higher than his usual. Jaebum’s face changed, but Jinyoung was too drunk to really understand what this meant. His eyes flicked past Jinyoung. Looking to see what the other members were doing, Jinyoung knows now. But at the time, he had just pouted, used his hand to gently nudge Jaebum’s attention back to him.

“Your hair,” Jinyoung continued, slurring slightly, and he can faintly hear his _satoori_ slipping out, “makes me want you.”

Apparently satisfied that the other members weren’t paying them any mind – Jinyoung could hear Jackson and Bambam singing loudly behind him, part of the reason why they always got a private room when they went out to eat now – Jaebum smiled back at Jinyoung. “Want me to what?” he asked, and Jinyoung couldn’t tell if he waa being intentionally obtuse or just completely oblivious.

“No,” he’d insisted, frowning. “No – I want you, hyung.”

There was a long pause, swollen with anticipation. “Want me how, Jinyoung-ah?” Jaebum asked, then. His voice was low, and there was something in the way he was looking at Jinyoung, like he _knew_ – like he wanted it too.

So Jinyoung pulled Jaebum forward by the hold he had on the back of his neck, pressed their lips together.

For a split second there was hesitation, then Jaebum was sliding both of his hands to the side of Jinyoung’s face, and Jinyoung was parting his lips to let Jaebum’s tongue in, and then Jaebum was letting out a moan of pleasure that reverberated through Jinyoung’s core and the silence of the room.

The silence of the room.

It took Jinyoung a moment to realise what had happened when Jaebum abruptly pulled back. He blinked a couple of times at the look of horror on Jaebum’s face, before turning round slowly to see five equally shocked faces staring back at him.

Mark was the first one to speak. He smirked, rolled his eyes.

“Fucking _finally._ ”

 

-

 

“Why are you even looking at that?” Mark asks, peering over Jinyoung’s shoulder at his phone. At the Dispatch article that was released that morning, an interview with the leaders of six different idol groups.

Jinyoung continues thumbing glumly through the article. “Don’t know,” he mumbles, “he’s still our leader, isn’t he?”

Mark wrinkles his nose. “Yes, but he’s also your ex-boyfriend,” he points out. Jinyoung cringes at the word. _Ex-boyfriend._ That’s too mundane, too commonplace. It doesn’t even come anywhere close to how much his heart wrenches in agony at the mere mention of Jaebum’s name.

“They asked who in the group he was closest to,” Jinyoung says, ignoring Mark’s comment completely.

A tense sort of silence falls between them. Mark frowns. “Who did he say?” he asks, cautiously.

“Me,” replies Jinyoung, letting out a small laugh that sounds more like a sigh of disbelief. “He said me.”

Jinyoung scrolls back up to find the section of the article in question. “Listen,” he says, starts quoting from the article, “‘Jinyoung and I, because we debuted together at first, we’ll always have a special bond. No matter what happens, nothing will change that.’”

The interview had taken place barely a week before they had finally called it quits. It was in the height of their arguing, and not the playful bickering that had characterised their entire relationship, but something uglier. Snapping at each other for doing things the wrong way, for being too loud, for being too stubborn, for being too slow. And then the cold shoulders, the grunted one-word replies, the heavy, meaningful sighs.

Jinyoung doesn’t know why it had all gone wrong, only knows that by the time he noticed what was happening, he and Jaebum were already spiralling towards disaster.

“Do you think he meant that?” Jinyoung asks. “ _No matter what happens_ – why would he say that?”

Mark prises Jinyoung’s phone out of his hands. “Jinyoung-ah,” he says, and his voice is like a warning. “There’s no point thinking about it.”

“He looks happy, doesn’t he?” Jinyoung can’t stop himself. He reaches over, takes his phone back. Scrolls through the article, through all the photos of Jaebum and the five other idol leaders. There are a few with Hyunwoo and Seungcheol, and Jinyoung wonders if Jaebum had known then that he was going to break up with Jinyoung. Wonders if Jaebum had spoken to the guys about it between shots.

Then there’s a series of paired shots, Hyunwoo with Irene, Seungcheol with Soyeon, and Jaebum with Yongsun. Of Mamamoo. Jinyoung stares at the picture of Jaebum standing behind Yongsun, who’s sitting on a sofa, beaming up at him. He has one hand on her shoulder, is laughing freely as he looks down at her. He looks happy.

“Jinyoung, please,” Mark says, but he doesn’t make a move to take the phone away from Jinyoung again. Lets Jinyoung continue scrolling, until he finally stops at a solo close-up shot of Jaebum. It’s the closest glimpse of Jaebum’s face he’s had since – since, before. He stares hard at the picture, stares so hard that maybe he can imagine Jaebum’s eyes looking back at him.

Mark places his hand over the phone, moves it away from Jinyoung’s face. Their hands come to rest in Jinyoung’s lap, and Jaebum’s face isn’t visible on the screen anymore. But it burns in Jinyoung’s line of sight like a cruel afterimage.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung whispers. His voice is so small. He doesn’t know who he’s become, who this whole ordeal has turned him into. He never would have thought himself someone to be so shattered about a break-up. “Hyung – it hurts.”

He doesn’t have to say anything else. Mark wraps his arms around him, tugs Jinyoung’s face into the cove of his chest. “I know,” he murmurs. “I know it does – but it won’t hurt forever.”

_How do you know?_ Jinyoung wants to shout. How the hell could anyone possibly know that for sure? It certainly feels like this pain he feels in his chest is never going to leave him.

But he doesn’t have the air in his lungs to say any of that, so he just closes his eyes and lets the sobs come ripping out of him.

 

-

 

Jinyoung sees Jaebum hardly at all over the next month. They’re preparing for the next comeback, but things are still at an early stage, and they’re still recording their new songs, which they all do separately, fitting around their messy schedules. Aside from some dance practices and some company meetings, they don’t really have any reason to be in the same place at all.

After the world tour, when Jinyoung and Jaebum had shared a hotel room in every city they visited, it’s like going cold turkey. The shock of suddenly not having Jaebum in his life anymore is pure agony.

But, like all things, it starts to fade.

Jinyoung’s grateful for Mark and Yugyeom, grateful that he’s not been left completely alone in the dorms. For a couple of weeks, he just watches them record vlives for the fans, sitting quietly in the corner, comforted by the sound of their voices but too emotionally wrecked to join in.

When he finally feels up to showing his face in front of the camera, he’s overwhelmed by the love he feels for Mark and Yugyeom. They tease him and tell him jokes, and he finds himself laughing, genuinely laughing. He’s in one of Mark’s oversized hoodies, curls up in the warmth of the thick fabric and tries not to think about how different Mark’s smell is. Compared to Jaebum’s.

It gets easier, over time. Jinyoung thinks that, maybe, just maybe, this isn’t going to wreck him after all.

He turns out to be wrong.

 

-

 

When Jinyoung first sees the pictures, he doesn’t know what he’s seeing. It takes a moment for him to connect the caption to the blurry pictures, for his brain to sort through the fuzzy imagines.

When he figures it out, it feels like all the air’s been punched out of his gut.

_‘Got7’s JB on a date with Mamamoo’s Solar,’_ screams the headline. Jinyoung’s watching himself from outside his own body, watching as he clicks into the link, watching as he scrolls through the pictures, clearly paparazzi shots taken without Jaebum’s knowledge or consent.

They’re walking into a restaurant, innocent enough, but from some angles – Jinyoung can definitely see what the article’s on about. It looks like they’re holding hands.

Solar. Jinyoung’s brain reels. As in, Kim Yongsun? As in, Jaebum’s partner for the Dispatch shoot. The person Jaebum had been beaming down at, looking so wondrously happy, even though just hours ago he had been fighting with Jinyoung. Even though just days later he would break-up with him.

Jinyoung keeps scrolling, can’t stop himself. Pauses only when he reaches a photo from a slightly different angle. Jaebum’s turned more towards the camera now, stepping back to let Yongsun through the door before him. And his face – even in the low quality shot Jinyoung can see the broad, eye-crinkling smile on his face.

“Nyoung? Are you okay?”

Jinyoung looks up, tries to speak, but there are no words. His throat has closed up entirely. All he can manage is to look up at Mark, sitting across from him on the sofa, looking worried.

“Yeah,” Jinyoung says, trying to shrug, but his shoulders feel stiff with tension. Mark eyes him with suspicion.

“What are you looking at?” he asks. Jinyoung wants to hide it from him, doesn’t want to see the pity on Mark’s face, but he knows there’s no point. And he’s too tired, by this point, anyway. Too tired to fight, too tired to care. Too tired to pretend he’s fine.

So he chucks the phone across the sofa at Mark. It lands with a soft thump on the cushion against Mark’s leg. Jinyoung closes his eyes, stretches out and leans his head back against the arm rest.  He can almost feel the suffocating apprehension in the air – can almost sense when Mark is done scrolling through the article, when he stops and stares mutely at Jinyoung’s prone form.

“That’s shitty,” Mark says, finally. “It’s shitty of him.”

Is it? Jinyoung doesn’t know, can’t separate his sense of what’s appropriate from what hurts. “He can do what he wants,” is all he says. Because it’s true. “He doesn’t owe me anything.”

Mark is seething with anger, Jinyoung can feel is radiating off him. “You guys may not be _together_ anymore, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t owe you anything,” he says tightly. “The two of you – you’re, you know. You.”

“The two of us aren’t anything,” replies Jinyoung. He brings his arm up to his face, rests the back of his forearm against his eyes. “What was he supposed to do? Never date anyone again?”

“No, but – he knows who we are, knows the kind of lives we lead,” Mark says. “He knows this kind of thing is bound to get out. He should have at least – I don’t know. Warned you.”

The thought of Jaebum _warning him_ makes Jinyoung laugh, a sharp bark that he doesn’t intend to sound so harsh, but it does. He sighs, removes his arm from his face, pushes himself to sit up. “Sorry,” he mumbles, but Mark just shakes his head to dismiss the apology. “I just – I knew this would happen someday. I didn’t think it would feel so…”

Jinyoung trails off. He can’t find the words to describe how he feels. The best he can come up with is ‘sickened’. He feels like his stomach is churning bile with the mere thought of Jaebum with someone else, and to see pictures of him, holding hands and laughing so merrily? It makes him want to vomit.

He doesn’t want to, but he wonders if they’ve kissed. Wonders if Yongsun’s lips taste as sweet as Jaebum always used to say his did. Wonders if she’s worshipped every inch of Jaebum’s body like he has.

“Fucked up,” Jinyoung says, abruptly completely the thought he had left hanging. He smiles wryly, shaking his head.

“I didn’t think it would feel so fucked up.”

 

-

 

None of them are expecting Jaebum to turn up at the dorms the next day.

And yet, here they are, Mark holding open the front door, Jaebum hovering in the doorway.

“Can I come in?” Jaebum asks, and god – his voice is so smooth, and the way he’s lazy with his vowels, letting them all slur against each other, is just so familiarly _him_ that it makes Jinyoung want to cry.

“I don’t know, can you?” snaps Mark, one hand on the doorknob and the other on the door frame, so he’s physically barring Jaebum from entering. Not that Jaebum couldn’t easily barrel past Mark, but there’s such a viciously unwelcoming scowl on Mark’s face that Jinyoung isn’t surprised Jaebum isn’t even trying to step around him.

Jinyoung’s gotten to his feet by this point, stands awkwardly behind Mark. “You still have a key, why didn’t you just let yourself in?” he asks. Mostly to fill the silence.

Jaebum swallows, and Jinyoung can see the bobbing of his adam’s apple. He tries not to think about how he had once upon a time loved to wake Jaebum up by pressing kisses into that very spot. “I didn’t – I thought that wouldn’t be appropriate,” Jaebum mumbles, his discomfort evident.

“Oh, now you give a shit about what is or isn’t appropriate?” asks Mark coldly. But it’s too much, too exhausting, and Jinyoung doesn’t want to fight anymore.

“Hyung, let him in,” he says, resting one hand on Mark’s arm. Mark looks deeply reluctant, but he steps away to allow Jaebum in. Jinyoung’s chest aches at how awkward Jaebum looks in the space all of a sudden. He’s shifting his weight from one foot to the other, and not looking either him or Mark in the eye.

“What do you want?”

Jaebum turns to Mark. “I just – I wanted to talk to Jinyoung,” he says. Mark crosses his arms in front of him. “Alone,” Jaebum adds, pointedly.

Not the tone to take with Mark when he was already feeling so hostile, but then again – Jaebum had never been one to tiptoe around Mark when he was in a mood.

“Don’t you think you’ve lost the right to demand anything?”

Jaebum narrows his eyes at Mark. “I believe I was asking Jinyoung, not you,” he replies, clearly trying to keep his temper in check.

“Didn’t sound like you were _asking_ ,” comes Mark’s sharp response, without missing a beat.

Gritting his teeth, Jaebum turns to Jinyoung. When their eyes meet, Jinyoung can almost literally see the shift in Jaebum’s aura. Like he’s surprised by something. His shoulders sag, and there’s a softness in his eyes that Jinyoung wishes he didn’t recognise.

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum says, his voice gentle, and Jinyoung hates it, really _hates_ what that voice does to him. “Please can I speak to you alone?”

He knew he was going to give in, even before Jaebum had said a single word. Knew from the very second Mark had opened the door and Jinyoung had seen him standing there. He half nods, half shrugs. “Yeah,” he mumbles, “sure. Whatever.”

When Mark leaves – not before giving Jaebum the dirtiest of looks – Jinyoung feels the tension in the room ratchet up. He looks away from Jaebum, fixes his gaze on a point on the floor near his feet. He’s still not taken off his shoes. Jinyoung isn’t about to suggest that he does. He’d rather this conversation end as quickly as possible.

“So, um,” Jaebum begins. He hesitates.

Jinyoung takes a slow, deep breath. Forces himself to look up, to look Jaebum in the eye. “Why are you here?” he asks. Not harshly, but not kindly either. Just – as flat as he can manage.

“I, uh – I wanted to apologise,” Jaebum says.

“What for?” Even though Jinyoung knows, he doesn’t want to believe it, doesn’t want the two of them to talk about it, but he knows.

“The, um, pictures.” Jaebum licks his lips, and Jinyoung is in absolutely pieces over how much he _hates it_ , hates every single wonderful, beautiful, agonising thing about Jaebum. “I know you saw them, and – I’m sorry.”

“How did you know?” Jinyoung asks. Dancing around the topic. Delaying the inevitable.

Jaebum scrunches up his face a little. “Jackson,” he explains. “He nearly punched me.”

Jinyoung bites down the, ‘that would have served you right’, that springs to his mind unbidden.

“I’m really sorry,” Jaebum repeats, when Jinyoung doesn’t say anything. “This – this isn’t how I wanted you to find out.”

So there is indeed something to be found out. The media wasn’t just making things up. Jinyoung really wants this conversation to be over now. But call it curiosity, or maybe just sheer masochism, because he doesn’t do what he should do, which is tell Jaebum to leave. Instead, he tries to swallow down the lump in his throat, and says, “Has it been going on long?”

This, at least, flusters Jaebum. “No, not at all,” he says. “It’s not, like, a _thing_. We were just – going on a – like, you know.”

“A date,” says Jinyoung. He looks Jaebum dead in the eye.

Jaebum blinks. A beat passes.

“Yeah,” he says, his voice a bare breath. “Yeah, I guess.”

Jinyoung smiles bitterly. Reaches over to pull the door open. “Goodbye, Jaebum,” he says.

A look of despair crosses Jaebum’s face, but Jinyoung refuses to look directly at him, and finally, defeated, Jaebum steps out. He turns back, looks pleadingly at Jinyoung. “I’m sorry,” he repeats.

Jinyoung shuts the door in his face.

 

-

 

The next month or so is packed with schedules, but – thankfully – nothing that requires Jinyoung and Jaebum to interact. The only thing they have to do is film a reality show in Thailand, but Jackson’s off doing his music show, and Yugyeom’s filming in the jungle, so they have to split into two groups. And when they’re deciding who has to stay behind and wait to film with Jackson and Yugyeom, Jaebum immediately volunteers himself. Jinyoung knows, without needing to ask, that it’s so that they can avoid seeing each other.

Jinyoung actually manages to have a semblance of a good time in Thailand, and everyone really tries their best not to mention Jaebum, which Jinyoung appreciates. Even if sometimes it’s so painfully obvious that they’re tiptoeing around saying his name, Jinyoung is still grateful to them for trying. Because he can feel himself, day by day, becoming more like himself again.

The next time he sees Jaebum is almost three months since their break-up. Jaebum’s found a place now, has moved out of his parents’ house, and he invites all of them to a housewarming party. All of them. Jinyoung included.

“He ‘ _really hopes I can make it_ ’,” says Jinyoung, reading aloud from the text on his phone. “That we’re _‘still best friends_ ’, and ‘ _it would be good to see me_ ’. What does that mean?”

Mark gives Jinyoung a pointed look. “Doesn’t matter,” he says. “It only matters whether or not you want to go. Whether you feel up to it.”

Jinyoung shrugs. His heart twinges slightly at the thought of seeing Jaebum again, but it doesn’t ache like it used to. He doesn’t feel like his entire world is going to collapse. He finally, finally feels like his own person again. It’s a weird feeling. He hasn’t felt like this since the break-up, for sure, but maybe – maybe he hasn’t felt like this since he and Jaebum got together. Maybe not even since he had first met Jaebum. There’s a sudden sense of freedom, of relief.

“I feel up to it,” Jinyoung says, smiling softly. “I think – I’ll be fine.”

Mark returns the smile, but it’s careful, guarded. “She’s going to be there, you know,” he says gently. “Jackson told me.”

Jinyoung’s smile falters a little. But not for long. He shakes his head. “You can say her name, you know,” he replies, laughing lightly. It’s not quite a natural laugh, he still has to push himself to do it, but at least it doesn’t feel so forced.

He leans back into the sofa, tips his head onto Mark’s shoulder. The bookshelf, which had been left half-empty when Jaebum moved out, is now slowly starting to fill up again. Jinyoung’s rearranged all of his own books to fill up the empty space, and added some new ones, along with some decorative items he’d bought in Thailand. It doesn’t look the same as it used, but it doesn’t look bad either.

Jinyoung smiles to himself. Things aren’t completely back to normal yet, but they’re getting there.

 

-

 

Jinyoung arrives at the party with Mark, almost two hours after the scheduled start time. As much as Jinyoung wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t mind being around Jaebum, he still doesn’t want to spend too much time with him in a small group, when they would have to interact plenty. Better to arrive fashionably late, when the party was already in full swing, and get through the night maybe saying a few polite words to each other.

Jaebum looks a little surprised when he opens the door for them, like he hadn’t actually expected them to turn up. But his face quickly shifts into a warm smile. “I’m really glad you could make it,” he says, and Jinyoung has a feeling he isn’t talking to Mark when he says that.

The rest of the members are already there – Jinyoung can see Yugyeom and Bambam talking to Jungkook and some of the Twice girls in the open kitchen, Jackson is sitting at the dining table talking to Namjoon and a couple of the Bangtan members, and Youngjae is in the living room with some of the Monsta X boys. He catches Hyunwoo’s eye, and they smile and wave at each other. It feels almost normal.

Jaebum’s new apartment is nice, not large, but well-decorated. Jinyoung can’t help himself but wonder if Yongsun had any hand in helping him furnish it. The thought triggers a small spark of jealousy in him, because that had always been his role. Not that it matters now.

“Nice place,” Jinyoung says politely, casting his eyes around.

Jaebum looks nervous, though Jinyoung isn’t sure why. “Thanks,” he mumbles. “My mom helped me decorated it.”

Jinyoung nods distractedly, as if this piece of information means nothing to him. But he feels a thrill of satisfaction nonetheless. So, not the mark of Jaebum’s new girlfriend then. Just his mother.

Just as he thinks about Yongsun, he spots her across the room. Maybe he had been subconsciously been seeking her out. She’s by the doors to the balcony, talking to Jeongyeon and Dahyun. Her hair is long and curl softly round her shoulders, and she’s laughing and her eyes sparkle with happiness. She’s beautiful in ways Jinyoung can’t even bring himself to be jealous of. Not when such genuine and radiant energy shines from her.

Their eyes meet, and Jinyoung’s heart starts pounding. He’s ready for her face to fall, for her eyes to narrow. But none of that happens. Instead, she just smiles gently at him, inclines her head ever so slightly in hello. Jinyoung returns the gesture. It’s not a big thing, but it’s a step in the right direction. Towards normalcy.

He wanders into the kitchen, where Yugyeom’s already handing him a drink.

“You okay, hyung?” he asks, quietly, as Jinyoung comes up to him, because Yugyeom has always been the sweetest, most thoughtful one of them all.

Jinyoung flashes his maknae a bright grin. “I’m fine,” he replies, “don’t worry.” It definitely feels weird, trying to be a part of Jaebum’s life again, but not in the way he had become used to – but it also feels like it’s going to get easier. Jinyoung sips at his drink, lets the alcohol lull him into a state of relaxation as he chats idly to his friends.

He doesn’t speak to Jaebum much during the course of the night, until he finds himself standing in front of the set of bookshelves set into a small alcove towards the back of the apartment. He can hear the party continuing behind him, but tucked away in this corner, everything’s a little quieter.

“Jinyoung-ah,” comes a hesitant voice behind him. Jinyoung doesn’t need to turn around to know who it is. “I’m really glad you came.”

He waits. Doesn’t really know what to say. Just stares at the spines of the books lined up on the shelves, the same books that had once stood on their shared bookshelf.

“How have you been?” Jaebum asks.

A small laugh escapes Jinyoung. Aside from having his heart crushed? But he doesn’t say that. Just shrugs. Says, “Fine. I’ve been better, but I’ve been worse.”

Jaebum hums a little in agreement. “Me too.”

Jinyoung doesn’t want to think about Jaebum being sad about their split. It’s much easier to think that there’s nothing between them anymore. His chest aches with longing. “You seem happy,” he says, trying to shove all of his tangled emotions down. “With – Yongsun-ssi.”

“Yeah,” mumbles Jaebum. “She’s nice.” But his heart doesn’t sound in it. He seems to start to say something, Jinyoung can hear the way his breathing changes as he’s about to speak, but then he hesitates. Jinyoung’s about to change the topic of conversation, mention something inane about the books, or the party, maybe, when Jaebum finally blurts out whatever he was trying to say.

“I’ve missed you.”

Jinyoung glances at Jaebum. There’s something incredibly sad in his eyes. Jinyoung doesn’t want to look at that sadness anymore. He tears his gaze away, fixes it stoically ahead of him. “You shouldn’t say that,” he replies, as steadily as he can manage. “You’ll confuse me.”

“Sorry.” Jaebum looks down. “I just – I really have, missed you.”

“Hyung,” Jinyoung says tightly, still not looking at him. “You’re the one who broke up with me.”

Jaebum winces, Jinyoung can see it out of the corner of his eye. “I know,” he says, and he at least sounds contrite. “I’m really sorry.”

That’s not something Jinyoung cares to hear from Jaebum. Apologies are meaningless to him now. He shoves his hands in his pockets, turns to face Jaebum straight on. “Can I ask you something?” he says, firmly. Jaebum looks startled, but nods. Jinyoung takes a long inhale. “Why did you break up with me? You – you never really explained. I know we were fighting lots, but I thought we liked each other. I just want to know – why?”

If this question surprises Jaebum, he doesn’t show it. He just looks defeated. “To be honest, Jinyoung-ah, I don’t really know,” Jaebum says. “It just – it all felt like too much. We saw each other all the time, and we had started fighting, and there was no – no breathing room, you know? It was so intense, and I was so overwhelmed. I just – had to get out.”

Jinyoung can feel hot tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. It hurts, because he gets it. He had felt that way too. They were together twenty-four seven, and when they bickered as all couples did, there was nowhere to go to cool off. Everything just kept escalating until it became too much.

But he had stuck at it, hadn’t he? He hadn’t given up, like Jaebum had. Although, and the thought makes Jinyoung’s chest ache, Jinyoung wonders if he would have pulled the trigger, in the end, if Jaebum hadn’t. Hadn’t he also been feeling trapped, and overwhelmed, and suffocated?

“I – I think I should leave,” Jinyoung says. He takes a step away from Jaebum. The air is suddenly too thick to breathe. He glances out at the living room. Jackson’s dancing in the middle of the floor, intermittently tugging people towards him so he can grind against them in an overtly sexual but also plainly hilarious way. No one seems to have noticed their little conversation in the corner of the room.

Jaebum looks at him pleadingly. “Jinyoung-ah, please,” he starts, but stops. Hesitates.

“Have a good night, Jaebum,” Jinyoung says. He nods goodbye, then strides purposefully to the front door. He’ll text Mark to let him know he’s left, but right now there’s no time to go looking for him. Jinyoung just needs to get out of there.

It’s only when the lift doors close around him that Jinyoung realises there are tears in his eyes. He throws his head back with a groan of frustration.

 

-

 

Jinyoung’s standing by the road outside Jaebum’s building, trying to order a taxi home, but his hands are shaking and his vision is blurry with tears. He exhales sharply, rubs at his eyes with the back of his arm. “Get a grip,” he hisses at himself.

That’s when he feels a blast of warm air from behind him – someone’s pulling open the glass doors into the building, and stepping out. He turns around. It’s Jaebum. Because of course it is.

“Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum says.

But no, Jinyoung’s heard enough. “Please – just let me leave.”

Jaebum looks like he’s about to cry, his eyes are rimmed red and his face is splotchy. Jinyoung’s seen him cry enough times to know. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said what I said,” Jaebum pleads, his voice catching and it hurts, everything just hurts too much.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” replies Jinyoung fiercely. He can feel the warmth of his tears as they spill down his cheeks. “You can’t break up with me, then get a girlfriend, then come back and tell me that you _miss me_ . What the _fuck_ , Jaebum?”

“I know, I know.” Jaebum presses the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. When he moves his hands away, Jinyoung can see the sheen of tears smeared across his face. “I’m sorry, I just – I don’t know what to do. I miss you so much, it hurts.”

“Stop saying that!” shouts Jinyoung. He shoves his phone into his pocket, wraps his arms around himself. “What do you want me to say to that? What do you want me to _do?_ ”

Jaebum takes a sort of stumbling step towards him, and Jinyoung wishes more than anything that he had the strength to turn and walk away. But he doesn’t. He just tightens his grip on his own arms, curls up into himself like that might somehow protect him.

All the air seems to have been sucked out of Jinyoung’s lungs. The ground doesn’t feel solid beneath his feet anymore. He wavers, and Jaebum reaches out for him as if to steady him, but then he hesitates.

“I don’t want you to do anything, Jinyoung-ah, I don’t – I don’t even know what I’m doing,” Jaebum says.

“That’s fucking _clear_!” snaps Jinyoung. “You can’t –” his voice trails off, and all the anger he’d felt sudden drains out of him.  “You can’t do this to me, not again.” He looks up at Jaebum, wonders absently if he looks as wrecked as Jaebum does.

They’re standing so close to each other now, and Jinyoung can see the tears glistening on Jaebum’s eyelashes. He’s transfixed by the sight, everything else in the world blurring around him. He’s vaguely aware of Jaebum’s hands coming to his face, cupping his cheeks gently. Of how the pad of his thumb, warm and slightly rough, tugs against his skin to wipe his tears away. He closes his eyes. He should fight, he really should, but he’s lost all the will to do anything. He’s exhausted.

“I’m really, really sorry,” Jaebum says hoarsely. “If I could take it all back, do it differently, I would.”

Jinyoung smiles slightly, bitterly. He opens his eyes. “But you can’t.”

Jaebum exhales shakily. “I wish – I wish we could try again.”

And so does Jinyoung, really. He does. But he doesn’t have any time to think about that, because a movement in the corner of his eye catches his attention. And Jaebum’s too.

They turn, and right there, just beyond the glass doors, staring directly at them, is Yongsun. She’s wide-eyed, but she doesn’t look angry, or even upset. Just – completely empty. Jinyoung can’t read her at all.

Jaebum’s hands fall from Jinyoung’s face, but it’s too late. They’re in an obviously extremely intimate position. Yongsun doesn’t wait to see what they do next, just whirls round and disappears back down the hallway into the building. Jaebum looks back at Jinyoung in blank horror.

“Your girlfriend,” Jinyoung says. He can hear how hollow his voice sounds. “You should go after her.”

“Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum starts, but it’s obvious he has no idea where he’s going to go.

They’ve been doing this for long enough now. It’s time to call it.

Without saying another word, Jinyoung turns, and walks away.

 

-

 

Jinyoung stands in front of his bookshelf – _his_ bookshelf, not _theirs_ anymore, but _his_ – and studies it carefully. He frowns, switches the position of a potted plant with a stack of hardback books. He seems to spend a lot of his time alone in the dorms rearranging the shelves, but if Mark and Yugyeom notice, they don’t mention it. It’s Jinyoung’s way of getting closure, or something, he guesses.

Stepping back, Jinyoung cocks his head at the shelves. It looks good. He’s happy with it.

The doorbell rings, and Jinyoung’s so engrossed in what he’s doing that he jumps. Probably one of the boys, forgetting their keys, he thinks.

But when he pulls the door open, it’s neither Mark nor Yugyeom. It’s Jaebum.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Jinyoung asks. It’s been almost two weeks since Jaebum’s party. They’ve managed to mostly avoid seeing each other, except for some inevitable overlaps in recording schedules and the like. They definitely haven’t spoken to each other except when absolutely necessary.

And now Jaebum’s here, standing outside his front door, looking steadily at him. “I need to talk to you,” he says.

Jinyoung narrows his eyes in suspicion. “I don’t have anything to say to you.”

But Jaebum’s jawline has a tension to it, the way it gets when Jaebum’s dead-set on doing something. “Please,” he says, firmly, “I really need to talk to you.”

“No,” replies Jinyoung. He closes the door. Returns to his spot in front of the bookshelves, except now he isn’t so much studying it as angrily glaring at it, when he hears the turn of a key in a lock. Jaebum pushes the door open, steps through.

“Get out of my house,” snaps Jinyoung. “And give that key back.”

Jaebum comes to stand in front of him. “I’m sorry, but I really need to talk to you,” he repeats. But he’s also fiddling with his keychain, and finally pulls the key to the dorms off. Hands it to Jinyoung. “But, here – I promise this is the last time I’ll bother you about – this.”

Jinyoung looks at the key for a moment, then sets it down on one of the shelves. He crosses his arms in front of him. “Fine,” he says, sharply. “Speak.”

Now that he has the floor, Jaebum looks nervous. He swallows, licks his lips. But when he speaks his voice is clear, and level. Like he’s practiced this a thousand times before.

“I broke up with Yongsun,” he says.

That’s certainly not what Jinyoung was expecting. His resolve falters ever so slightly, but Jinyoung refuses to let himself hope. He keeps his arms folded, waits.

Jaebum clears his throat. “I’m not saying that with any expectations. I just – I realised what I was doing wasn’t fair to her. To either of us. She was there, at the right time, and she was – well, she was kind of going through the same thing with one of her members…” Jaebum trails off, shakes his head. Jinyoung has no idea what to think at this point.

Thankfully, he’s spared from responding, because Jaebum continues, “Anyway, that’s not important. The thing is, we were both convenient for each other and being together helped, for a bit. But it wasn’t the answer.”

At this, Jaebum pauses, looks directly at Jinyoung.

“What – what are you trying to say?” Jinyoung asks. His heart is pounding, he can hear the blood thundering in his ears.

Jaebum takes a deep breath. “When we broke up, I – I was overwhelmed. I didn’t – _we_ didn’t have enough space.”

And Jinyoung, he nods. It’s true. He hadn’t realised it at the time, but he does now.

This seems to encourage Jaebum. He rakes his upper teeth along his lower lip, before continuing, “I thought I needed, I don’t know – _all this space_.” He gestures vaguely with his arms, before letting them drop back limply to his sides. “But now that I’ve moved out, I think – I think all I needed was a little bit of breathing room.”

“Breathing room is – it’s good,” Jinyoung says quietly. He feels like his entire body is quivering with anticipation. “It’s better.”

Jaebum suddenly looks so small, so vulnerable. His eyes soften, and he gazes at Jinyoung with raw hope. “I know I don’t deserve this,” he says, “but I would really like to try again. If you would give me another chance.”

The moment those words leave Jaebum’s lips, it feels like Jinyoung’s heart stops beating. For weeks and weeks, all he had wanted was to hear Jaebum say that. He had felt for so long like his entire universe would collapse if Jaebum didn’t say those words to him.

But now – he doesn’t feel that way anymore.

“Look at the bookshelf,” Jinyoung says, suddenly. Turns to glance at it, which Jaebum does too. When they look back at each other, Jaebum is clearly bewildered by the sudden change in topic. Jinyoung doesn’t care. He has things he needs to say, before he can even think about trying to figure out what he thinks.

“When you left,” Jinyoung says, smiling wryly at the thought of those first, brutal hours without Jaebum in the dorms, “it was pain beyond anything I had ever felt.” He nods his head towards the bookshelf. “I stood here staring at the half-empty shelves for days, and it felt like my world was over. Like I would die from heartache.”

Jaebum opens his mouth, like he’s about to say something, but Jinyoung raises a hand to stop him. He isn’t done with what he has to say. And he doesn’t want to hear Jaebum apologise again.

“The shelves now – I’ve filled them up,” Jinyoung continues. He turns, gazes fondly at the bookshelf. “I thought I needed you, I thought that I was half-empty without you. But I’ve realised now – I’m not. I’m enough for myself.”

Jinyoung looks at Jaebum. He can see the despair and fading hope in Jaebum’s eyes.

“No, hyung – don’t you get it?” Jinyoung asks. It all makes sense to him now. “You were right, things back then, it was suffocating. We needed each other too much. But I don’t need you now, and I think – you’ve realised that you don’t need me, either.”

A small frown furrows Jaebum’s brow. “What are you saying?”

Jinyoung barely dares to speak, can hardly believe how easy the answer is coming to him now. “Breathing room,” he says, gently. “That’s what breathing room is, isn’t it? Now that we don’t need each other – maybe we’ll have the space we need to love each other properly.”

Realisation creeps onto Jaebum’s face so slowly. Jinyoung feels like he’s watching a sunrise, the world lightening bit by bit, until suddenly the rays of light come shooting through the clouds and illuminating the once-hazy dark.

“Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum breathes, the smallest of smiles breaking across his face. His eyes are shiny with tears. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

Despite how much he just wants to throw himself into Jaebum’s arms, inhale his scent deeply once again, Jinyoung resists. They’re going to take things a little more slowly, this time. “Yeah,” he replies, and he feels suddenly almost shy. He lowers his gaze. “Yeah – let’s give this another go.”

When he peers up again, Jaebum’s standing completely still and beaming so brightly Jinyoung feels like he’s looking directly at the sun. He seems to be at a loss for what to do with himself.

“This doesn’t I’ve forgiven you for all the shit you put me through,” Jinyoung teases.

Jaebum nods earnestly, but the smile never fades from his face. “I know, and you’re right not to, I’ve been an asshole. But – I just – I didn’t expect you to say yes,” he blurts out, the words all tumbling out of him.

“Me neither,” replies Jinyoung honestly. But his answer came to him so naturally – once he started speaking, everything started to make perfect sense to him.

He takes a deep breath. The air is fresh, and sweet. His lungs fill, his chest feels relaxed. 

He can breathe again.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> :)))) 
> 
> that was my little headcanon of what happened around the whole jaebum moving out/bookshelf thing - I would love to know what you think, so if you enjoyed it please leave kudos/comments, or come talk to me on twitter or cc @notionxally
> 
> also solar/yongsun is my mamamoo bias - I couldn't resist including her!


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